Good deeds

My ma said someone keeps a record of one's good deeds
My ma said these good deeds free one from bondage
My ma said I must do some good deeds

I believed my ma.

I found chains all around me
shackles all over me.
I was born with chains.
I was born with shackles.

I remembered my ma
I tried believing I lacked in good deeds.

I remember all the drops of tear from ma's eyes
every time she was beaten up.
I remember every drop of blood
black rings around her eyes
a broken finger in her left hand.

I asked her - had she not any good deed to her credit?
she kept mum.

I don't ask such questions anymore.
I try to believe i'm a body
a body that should give pleasure
that should bear child
but should not ache when beaten up black and blue
and definitely should not bleed.

this is our good deed
that is recorded -
that is applauded -
that is encouraged.

anything else is a bad deed
a cry loud
a protest aloud
an undesirable refusal to sex.

all good deeds are recorded
all bad deeds are recorded.

one must be punished for the bad deed.
good deeds are norms
no prize for good deeds.

I count my bad deeds.